1 00:00:03,268 --> 00:00:05,369 [♪] 2 00:01:17,776 --> 00:01:20,445 Who here knows what a christmas club is? 3 00:01:20,446 --> 00:01:23,147 Oh, isn't that where morons put money in the bank 4 00:01:23,148 --> 00:01:26,251 To get 2 percent interest instead of the normal 5? 5 00:01:28,987 --> 00:01:30,088 Uh, yeah. 6 00:01:32,190 --> 00:01:34,359 Anyway, I've got one of these christmas club things, 7 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,796 And was able to save a pretty penny this year. 8 00:01:38,797 --> 00:01:41,933 So, in addition to our annual christmas feast at denny's, 9 00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,873 This year we're getting presents. 10 00:01:48,874 --> 00:01:50,308 Oh! I can't believe it. 11 00:01:50,309 --> 00:01:52,877 This'll be the worst christmas I ever had. 12 00:01:52,878 --> 00:01:55,614 I'll wind up home alone sitting in the dark. 13 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:58,683 That is...Unless some friends invite me over. 14 00:01:58,684 --> 00:01:59,684 [consolingly] oh. 15 00:02:03,922 --> 00:02:07,992 Poor marcie. I feel so bad for her. 16 00:02:07,993 --> 00:02:11,029 So, al, we're really gonna get presents! 17 00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,463 Yeah! You betcha! Ha-ha! 18 00:02:12,464 --> 00:02:14,065 I pick up the money tomorrow morning. 19 00:02:14,066 --> 00:02:16,701 This is gonna be the greatest bundy christmas ever! 20 00:02:16,702 --> 00:02:17,702 [laughs] 21 00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,506 ["deck the halls" party music playing] 22 00:02:52,671 --> 00:02:53,972 Kelly: Daddy! 23 00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:56,174 Oh! Daddy! 24 00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:57,842 Both: Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me! 25 00:02:57,843 --> 00:02:59,310 Oh. 26 00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:02,647 Now, kids, give your father a chance to relax. 27 00:03:02,648 --> 00:03:03,648 Make room. 28 00:03:04,816 --> 00:03:06,451 Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me! 29 00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:07,318 Oh, dad! 30 00:03:07,319 --> 00:03:08,519 Give us our presents! 31 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,288 I love you! Give us our presents! 32 00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:12,624 Family! 33 00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,826 I think we've fallen a tad short 34 00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,194 Of the true meaning of christmas. 35 00:03:17,195 --> 00:03:19,897 It's about love, about family. 36 00:03:19,898 --> 00:03:22,901 I think something's rotten in the state of denver, mom. 37 00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,304 Don't worry. 38 00:03:26,305 --> 00:03:28,807 Even a dullard like your father isn't stupid enough 39 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:30,374 To come home without presents. 40 00:03:37,082 --> 00:03:39,350 I don't like the looks of this, mom. 41 00:03:39,351 --> 00:03:42,920 Yeah, he does have that just-plugged-the-toilet grin 42 00:03:42,921 --> 00:03:43,921 On his face. 43 00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:50,695 I think he's empty. 44 00:03:50,696 --> 00:03:52,297 Let's check it out. 45 00:03:57,002 --> 00:04:01,072 So, al, I, uh, noticed you're not burdened down 46 00:04:01,073 --> 00:04:03,641 With presents for your loving family. 47 00:04:03,642 --> 00:04:06,744 Are they, uh, in the car? 48 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:09,147 Well, no. 49 00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,417 Are they, uh, being delivered? 50 00:04:14,086 --> 00:04:15,086 No. 51 00:04:16,688 --> 00:04:19,724 Are they... Invisible? 52 00:04:24,596 --> 00:04:27,498 Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. 53 00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,901 If, for once, you'd let me go first, I would have asked-- 54 00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:31,736 Shh. 55 00:04:31,737 --> 00:04:33,237 Honey. 56 00:04:33,238 --> 00:04:37,174 Okay, al, enough of this loving-family crap. 57 00:04:39,745 --> 00:04:41,246 What did you do? 58 00:04:43,415 --> 00:04:45,216 Well, I'm going to be honest with you, peg. 59 00:04:46,585 --> 00:04:48,586 You see, I was coming home with great presents, 60 00:04:48,587 --> 00:04:50,955 When I was surrounded by a band of... 61 00:04:50,956 --> 00:04:52,323 Bears and indians. 62 00:04:54,426 --> 00:04:55,927 Daddy, are you okay? 63 00:04:57,796 --> 00:04:59,164 Rest, kelly. 64 00:05:00,565 --> 00:05:02,366 Snookums, 65 00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:06,070 You know, if you really did come home with no presents, 66 00:05:06,071 --> 00:05:09,640 We wouldn't mind, would we, kids? 67 00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:11,175 No, mom. 68 00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:13,010 I would. 69 00:05:13,011 --> 00:05:14,746 I mean, no, I wouldn't, mom. 70 00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:18,850 We wuv our daddy, right, kids? 71 00:05:20,619 --> 00:05:23,488 Right, mom. Right, mom. 72 00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:24,422 There. 73 00:05:24,423 --> 00:05:26,758 You feel better now, al? 74 00:05:27,859 --> 00:05:29,294 Yes, I do, peg. 75 00:05:30,195 --> 00:05:32,730 Then give us our presents. 76 00:05:32,731 --> 00:05:35,132 You do have presents, don't you, al? 77 00:05:38,370 --> 00:05:40,904 And we kissed your hand and called you daddy. 78 00:05:42,941 --> 00:05:44,609 The bank closed. 79 00:05:44,610 --> 00:05:46,511 Yeah, right. Yeah, you rotten mullet-head. 80 00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:50,548 It wasn't my fault. 81 00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:52,050 I did everything that I could. 82 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:54,351 A real daddy would have held up a liquor store. 83 00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:58,423 They're open till 6, you know. 84 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,492 Now, kids, I'm sure your father has a good reason 85 00:06:01,493 --> 00:06:03,628 For not taking that money out yesterday. 86 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:06,765 Tell us the reason, witless. 87 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:09,000 I wanted to get that extra day of interest. 88 00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,836 Oh, that would have been what-- about 3 cents, al? 89 00:06:11,837 --> 00:06:14,238 Hey, that would have been our waitress's tip at denny's. 90 00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:19,410 Thank your father for flushing another christmas, kids. 91 00:06:19,411 --> 00:06:20,778 Both: Thanks, dad. 92 00:06:20,779 --> 00:06:22,547 Hey, just because we don't have presents 93 00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:24,416 Doesn't mean we can't have christmas. 94 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:25,916 Daddy, christmas without presents 95 00:06:25,917 --> 00:06:27,885 Is like thanksgiving without pizza. 96 00:06:29,988 --> 00:06:33,224 Oh, well, I suppose there are a lot of families much worse off 97 00:06:33,225 --> 00:06:34,725 Than us at christmas. 98 00:06:34,726 --> 00:06:39,097 Of course, they're all living in trees and worshipping sticks. 99 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,232 But, let's make the best of it. 100 00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:42,333 Let's go to denny's. 101 00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:43,501 I have 8 bucks. 102 00:06:43,502 --> 00:06:45,136 That's enough for three of us to eat. 103 00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:47,739 Ha-ha. I guess we'll all have to draw straws. 104 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,039 Well, I don't mind doin' that 105 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,875 'cause I don't think I should have to do it, 106 00:06:50,876 --> 00:06:51,942 Since I do work all year-- 107 00:06:51,943 --> 00:06:54,612 I am gonna buy presents on the 26th. 108 00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:55,746 --But I think to be fair, 109 00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,114 I'll have to, uh... 110 00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:00,250 Bring me back some pie crust. 111 00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:03,588 Well, let's see how the lights work. 112 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,289 [grunts] 113 00:07:12,364 --> 00:07:14,465 That's just great. They hang there all year long. 114 00:07:14,466 --> 00:07:16,868 The one lousy time you want 'em to work... 115 00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:19,904 Well, it's a wonderful life. 116 00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:23,608 I don't know. 117 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:26,477 Sometimes, I think it might have been better if I was never born. 118 00:07:26,979 --> 00:07:27,845 [buzzing] 119 00:07:34,753 --> 00:07:35,786 Man: Hey, buddy. 120 00:07:35,787 --> 00:07:37,021 You all right? 121 00:07:38,924 --> 00:07:40,224 Ah, there you are. 122 00:07:41,059 --> 00:07:42,427 Yeah. 123 00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,963 You're okay. 124 00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:48,800 You're gonna be fine. 125 00:07:51,703 --> 00:07:55,372 Well, thanks, buddy. Uh...Who are you? 126 00:07:55,373 --> 00:07:56,574 I'm a guardian angel. 127 00:07:58,109 --> 00:08:00,210 Matter of fact, I'm looking for, uh, 128 00:08:00,211 --> 00:08:01,211 An al bundy. 129 00:08:01,212 --> 00:08:02,313 Do you know an al bundy? 130 00:08:03,048 --> 00:08:04,214 I'm al bundy. 131 00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:07,752 Noooo!! 132 00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:11,389 Could you stop playing nintendo up there for a minute?! 133 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:13,291 What kind of a mess have you gotten me into?! 134 00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:15,126 What have you done to me?! 135 00:08:15,127 --> 00:08:17,261 [sobs] 136 00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:26,737 There, there, buddy. 137 00:08:26,738 --> 00:08:27,972 Uh, how about I go get my gun 138 00:08:27,973 --> 00:08:29,907 And shoot you with a nice silver bullet? 139 00:08:29,908 --> 00:08:31,242 [moans] 140 00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,676 Would you like that, buddy? 141 00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:36,514 You'll just have to give me a minute with this, bundy. 142 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,750 I thought I was here to save a human soul. 143 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,420 That's all right. Never mind. 144 00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:43,421 Hold on a minute. 145 00:08:46,991 --> 00:08:49,493 Oh, thanks a lot! 146 00:08:49,494 --> 00:08:50,961 You can turn water into wine, 147 00:08:50,962 --> 00:08:52,963 But you can't send me with any booze, huh?! 148 00:08:52,964 --> 00:08:54,231 Love ya! 149 00:08:57,502 --> 00:08:58,703 Oh, I get it. 150 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,304 You're one of my wife's relatives. 151 00:09:02,507 --> 00:09:04,809 I've never seen one upright before. 152 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,582 No, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it, bundy. 153 00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:14,451 Read my lips. 154 00:09:14,452 --> 00:09:16,721 I'm your guardian angel. 155 00:09:17,589 --> 00:09:19,790 Oh, I see. Hell, I gotta apologize. 156 00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,259 I just thought you were a nut. 157 00:09:23,262 --> 00:09:25,296 Well, I'll get my guitar and call elvis. 158 00:09:25,297 --> 00:09:27,432 The three of us will rock in the new year. 159 00:09:30,268 --> 00:09:33,204 Hey, it's no sleigh ride for me either, bundy. 160 00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:34,705 Usually, on christmas, 161 00:09:34,706 --> 00:09:36,573 I'd be over at moses' house. 162 00:09:36,574 --> 00:09:39,810 I'd be out by the pool, waiting for the new guy 163 00:09:39,811 --> 00:09:40,878 To jump off the board. 164 00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:42,413 And then mo parts the water. 165 00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:43,914 [laughs] 166 00:09:44,782 --> 00:09:47,151 Now, that's christmas! 167 00:09:47,152 --> 00:09:49,253 That's christmas, man. 168 00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:51,822 Yeah, but I sort of fell from grace. 169 00:09:51,823 --> 00:09:53,824 They, uh-- they caught me scalpin' tickets 170 00:09:53,825 --> 00:09:55,259 To a jimi hendrix concert. 171 00:09:57,029 --> 00:10:00,031 And here I am. But enough about me. 172 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:01,766 What's it gonna take to convince you that 173 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,000 I'm your guardian angel? 174 00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,936 Make my christmas lights work. 175 00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:09,774 [fingers snap] 176 00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:20,151 That's amazing. 177 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,286 You are an angel. Hey, I want another wish. 178 00:10:22,287 --> 00:10:23,921 Aren't you supposed to get three? 179 00:10:23,922 --> 00:10:26,657 Hey, don't be a wish pig, bundy, all right? 180 00:10:26,658 --> 00:10:28,425 You want three wishes? Get a genie. 181 00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:32,296 Besides, anything that I can't get a receipt for 182 00:10:32,297 --> 00:10:33,765 Comes out of my own pocket. 183 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:35,833 Aw, come on. 184 00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,435 Just give me one more. 185 00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,737 Turn the lights back off, and give me the hee haw girls. 186 00:10:43,942 --> 00:10:46,310 I've been sittin' around waitin' for them to die myself. 187 00:10:46,311 --> 00:10:47,278 [laughs] 188 00:10:49,214 --> 00:10:52,149 I know you think you got it tough. 189 00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,751 Your wife doesn't respect you. 190 00:10:53,752 --> 00:10:55,753 Your kids think you're a failure. 191 00:10:55,754 --> 00:10:57,755 A good day for you is when you don't come across 192 00:10:57,756 --> 00:10:58,989 Any new foot diseases. 193 00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:01,926 Believe me, I sympathize. 194 00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:03,460 But you think your life reeks? 195 00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:05,530 Take a whiff of mine, pal. 196 00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:09,367 My wife gained 100 pounds for every year we were married. 197 00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,836 We had two kids. I think she ate 'em. I don't know. 198 00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:16,173 I hated drivin' home so much, 199 00:11:16,174 --> 00:11:19,744 I had vanity plates written up that said, "hit me." 200 00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:24,215 But despite it all... She loved me. 201 00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:26,217 You know how I know? 202 00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:29,220 Because she told me! 203 00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:31,255 Oh, yeah, when I was at work, 204 00:11:31,256 --> 00:11:34,792 She loved my father, my brother, my bookie. 205 00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,495 But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed 206 00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:40,264 Under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. 207 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,603 That's when I did what any other man would do, bundy. 208 00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:47,938 I canceled my insurance, and I hung myself. 209 00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:49,406 Showed her, huh? 210 00:11:49,407 --> 00:11:51,008 [laughs] 211 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:57,581 And you're here to help me, huh? 212 00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,785 That I am, my man. 213 00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:04,788 See, if I help you, I get my wings. 214 00:12:04,789 --> 00:12:07,725 And that means a lot up there, especially with the chicks. 215 00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:12,730 If I get wings, I get to pick up on the girls who died young. 216 00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,101 Well, that sounds great for you, 217 00:12:17,102 --> 00:12:18,469 But what are you gonna do for me? 218 00:12:18,470 --> 00:12:20,638 Show me that my life can only get worse? 219 00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:23,240 What are you gonna do? Give me two more wives? Three more kids? 220 00:12:23,241 --> 00:12:25,576 Make me a-- make me a white sox fan? 221 00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:29,847 No, bundy. We're gonna take a little trip. 222 00:12:29,848 --> 00:12:32,450 Just like you wondered, I'm gonna show you 223 00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:34,652 What it would've been like if you'd never been born. 224 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:35,653 Let's party. 225 00:12:36,254 --> 00:12:37,221 [fingers snap] 226 00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:51,969 [fingers snap] 227 00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:57,375 [hums "home, sweet home"] 228 00:13:02,881 --> 00:13:03,914 Peg! 229 00:13:03,915 --> 00:13:07,351 It's me... And my angel. 230 00:13:09,354 --> 00:13:11,054 She doesn't know you're there, bundy, 231 00:13:11,055 --> 00:13:12,523 Just like when you're havin' sex. 232 00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:13,858 [laughs] 233 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:20,698 Wait a second. 234 00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:21,832 She's cooking. 235 00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:25,169 She told me she was allergic to fire. 236 00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:27,905 Gee, that's weird. 237 00:13:27,906 --> 00:13:30,440 I guess after I died, women started lyin', huh? 238 00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:41,452 Hello, mother. 239 00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:45,223 Oh, you're home a trifle late, dear. 240 00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,323 Oh, yes, I know. 241 00:13:46,324 --> 00:13:48,558 Regrettable, but necessary. 242 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:51,528 I had to stop on the way home to soundly thrash a bully, 243 00:13:51,529 --> 00:13:53,430 Who was making lewd and suggestive comments 244 00:13:53,431 --> 00:13:54,898 To some female school chums. 245 00:13:57,168 --> 00:14:00,404 Oh, mother, when will men realize that the delicate flower 246 00:14:00,405 --> 00:14:02,873 Of womanhood must be allowed to bloom in freedom? 247 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:07,544 You're such a fine young man. 248 00:14:07,545 --> 00:14:09,546 I knew it would pay to breastfeed you 249 00:14:09,547 --> 00:14:10,814 Till you were 9. 250 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,089 Do you need any money, dear? 251 00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:22,126 Oh, no. I could never take money from you. 252 00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:24,828 You and father have given me the greatest gift of all: 253 00:14:24,829 --> 00:14:26,530 The gift of life. 254 00:14:26,531 --> 00:14:28,399 Would he feel it if I kicked him? 255 00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:32,503 No, but for a little extra cash, 256 00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:34,138 I could give him your dog's face. 257 00:14:35,573 --> 00:14:36,773 Would you take an iou? 258 00:14:36,774 --> 00:14:38,009 Not from you. 259 00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:40,811 Hello, mama! 260 00:14:43,615 --> 00:14:45,282 I'm home from college. 261 00:14:47,919 --> 00:14:48,919 College? 262 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,921 She flunked lunch in high school. 263 00:14:52,790 --> 00:14:53,990 Good news. 264 00:14:53,991 --> 00:14:56,026 They're publishing my poetry in french. 265 00:14:56,027 --> 00:14:57,128 Oh. Oh. 266 00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,730 Oh, budrick. 267 00:14:59,731 --> 00:15:01,132 Mwah. Mwah. 268 00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:02,866 You look fabulous. 269 00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,369 You really must be popular with the ladies. 270 00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:09,873 Well, I've broken a few hearts, but gained some good friends. 271 00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:14,778 And you, dear sister, are you still frigid? 272 00:15:17,649 --> 00:15:21,619 Yes, but pleasures of the flesh muddy the thinking. 273 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,186 She's right, you know. 274 00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,623 I saved myself for marriage. 275 00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:28,993 Oh, come on! 276 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,329 The football team retired her jersey. 277 00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:39,536 I mean, what kind of guy would marry her 278 00:15:39,537 --> 00:15:40,871 If she wasn't puttin' out? 279 00:15:42,707 --> 00:15:47,411 ♪ I saw mommy kissing santa claus ♪ 280 00:15:47,412 --> 00:15:49,213 It's daddy! It's daddy! 281 00:15:49,981 --> 00:15:51,815 Ho-ho! Family! 282 00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:52,949 Oh, daddy! 283 00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:54,351 Dear heart! 284 00:15:54,352 --> 00:15:55,352 Ha-ha-ha! 285 00:15:55,353 --> 00:15:56,920 Oh. 286 00:15:56,921 --> 00:15:58,088 [giggles] 287 00:15:58,089 --> 00:15:59,590 There they go again. 288 00:16:01,492 --> 00:16:03,828 You know those wings you been wantin'? Yeah. 289 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:06,964 You think you can make a pair out of this guy's kidneys? 290 00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:08,465 Hey, don't worry about him, bundy. 291 00:16:08,466 --> 00:16:09,867 I checked into his future. 292 00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:12,569 By the time he's 60, his stomach is so ulcer-ridden 293 00:16:12,570 --> 00:16:14,204 That-- oh. Oh, that's you. 294 00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:18,309 Sorry, man. Sorry. 295 00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:20,611 So, how was your day, honey? 296 00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:23,947 Oh, wonderful as every day since we met. 297 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,785 Am I the only one who can taste the bile? 298 00:16:29,921 --> 00:16:32,356 Oh, by the way, dear, I didn't have a chance 299 00:16:32,357 --> 00:16:33,958 To finish the christmas cookies. 300 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:37,061 I had a run-in with a shoe salesman today. 301 00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:38,562 There she goes. She's leavin' him. 302 00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:40,697 No one can resist a shoe salesman. 303 00:16:40,698 --> 00:16:43,601 I was only trying on shoes for a couple of hours, 304 00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,402 And he barked at me. 305 00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:49,139 He was a rude, smelly, uneducated, little man. Hmph. 306 00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:53,243 Imagine, a grown man selling shoes for a living. Ha-ha! 307 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:57,181 But let us remember the old adage, 308 00:16:57,182 --> 00:17:02,519 "I lamented I had no shoes until I saw the man who sold them." 309 00:17:05,323 --> 00:17:08,492 I'll bet you're all wondering where your presents are. 310 00:17:08,493 --> 00:17:09,993 Oh, father... 311 00:17:09,994 --> 00:17:12,530 You needn't get us anything. 312 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,297 What?! 313 00:17:14,766 --> 00:17:16,233 Oh, yes. 314 00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:19,102 Your love and guidance all these years means more to us 315 00:17:19,103 --> 00:17:20,870 Than any store-bought bauble. 316 00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:23,873 Oh-- I-- 317 00:17:23,874 --> 00:17:26,142 I just love you guys so much. 318 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,815 Well, gee, this was fun. 319 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,384 What do we do next? 320 00:17:34,385 --> 00:17:37,454 Go back in time to the day I should have been conceived? 321 00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:39,456 Watch my father invent the condom? 322 00:17:44,162 --> 00:17:45,296 No. 323 00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:46,897 No more time travel for me. 324 00:17:46,898 --> 00:17:47,898 It gives me the runs. 325 00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:51,501 Besides, bundy, you're the one that wanted 326 00:17:51,502 --> 00:17:53,804 To see what life would be like if you'd never been born. 327 00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,573 So grin and bear it. 328 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,777 Family, I have a little announcement. 329 00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:03,947 I do have a special christmas present for everyone. 330 00:18:03,948 --> 00:18:07,784 I've watched you all suffer in this hovel for years, 331 00:18:07,785 --> 00:18:09,420 But over the years, 332 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:13,824 I've been saving, and that, along with mommy's sewing money, 333 00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:16,494 Has allowed me to buy us a new house. 334 00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:18,561 A mansion, really. 335 00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:22,031 So how about joining me in a "whoa, jablonski." 336 00:18:22,032 --> 00:18:25,569 Together: Whoa, jablonski! 337 00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:27,872 [mouthing] whoa, jablonski? 338 00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:32,276 Oh, norman, what a special christmas. 339 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,913 Let's just stand here and love each other. 340 00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:36,780 Kids. 341 00:18:41,419 --> 00:18:42,386 I love you. 342 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,420 I love you. 343 00:18:43,421 --> 00:18:44,421 I love you. 344 00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:45,422 I love you. 345 00:18:45,423 --> 00:18:46,423 I love you. 346 00:18:46,424 --> 00:18:48,091 I love you. 347 00:18:48,092 --> 00:18:50,561 All: I love you. 348 00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:54,464 Now, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. 349 00:18:54,465 --> 00:18:57,234 I'm sorry, bundy. I failed you. 350 00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:59,403 I was supposed to show you why you should live, 351 00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:00,971 But I can't think of one darn reason. 352 00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,074 I'll never get my wings now. 353 00:19:05,276 --> 00:19:07,277 And you know what kind of woman you get in heaven 354 00:19:07,278 --> 00:19:09,512 Drivin' around in a '78 pinto? 355 00:19:09,513 --> 00:19:11,214 The same kind of woman you get down here 356 00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:13,050 Drivin' around a '78 pinto. 357 00:19:14,252 --> 00:19:15,718 God, I'm depressed. 358 00:19:18,623 --> 00:19:19,623 Well, that's better. 359 00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:25,996 Wait a second. 360 00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:29,533 I wanna be back with my family. 361 00:19:30,635 --> 00:19:31,902 Why? 362 00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:35,272 Look at them. They're happy. 363 00:19:35,273 --> 00:19:37,341 Not a care in the world. 364 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:39,243 You think I'm gonna let that happen 365 00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:42,078 After all the grief they put me through? 366 00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:45,182 I want to live! 367 00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:47,718 Bundy, are you serious? 368 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,219 That means I'm gonna be an angel! 369 00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,954 I'm gonna get my wings! 370 00:19:50,955 --> 00:19:53,189 I'm gonna be a real angel! 371 00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:54,858 But first-- 372 00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:57,895 First I'm gonna go take a look at my ex-wife. 373 00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:59,997 You really did love her, huh? 374 00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:01,264 No. 375 00:20:01,265 --> 00:20:04,167 No, I just wanna put a package of ding dongs just out of reach 376 00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:05,769 Of her porkpie fingers. 377 00:20:07,138 --> 00:20:09,840 And then, as she oozes that thousand-pound bulk 378 00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:10,841 Over the table, 379 00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:12,710 Lifts up three of her chins 380 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,045 So she's able to put one of 'em into her mouth, 381 00:20:15,046 --> 00:20:16,613 I'm gonna turn 'em into me! 382 00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:18,716 A 20-year-old rotting corpse! 383 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,183 How do you like that, thelma? 384 00:20:20,184 --> 00:20:22,252 Daddy's home for christmas! 385 00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,321 You pig! You slut! 386 00:20:24,322 --> 00:20:26,289 Take a bite of this, shamu! 387 00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:27,825 Aah! 388 00:20:34,865 --> 00:20:37,033 Peggy: Al, get up! 389 00:20:40,171 --> 00:20:41,438 Peg. 390 00:20:41,439 --> 00:20:43,006 You know me? 391 00:20:44,008 --> 00:20:46,643 Well, of course, I know you. 392 00:20:46,644 --> 00:20:48,946 Why do you think I didn't help you up? 393 00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,449 Come on, kids, let's go inside. 394 00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:54,517 Knowing your father, he'll catch pneumonia, 395 00:20:54,518 --> 00:20:56,419 Cough on us, and we'll all get sick. 396 00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,122 Out of the way, al. 397 00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:59,723 Yeah, you rotten... 398 00:20:59,724 --> 00:21:00,824 Kelly: God. 399 00:21:03,094 --> 00:21:04,128 [door slams] 400 00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:09,299 Bud, quick-- 401 00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:12,703 What's more important: Love or money? 402 00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,671 Well, money, dad. I can always rent love. 403 00:21:14,672 --> 00:21:15,739 [laughs] 404 00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:17,975 Kelly, quick-- 405 00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:19,810 What's the color of an orange? 406 00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:21,211 No multiple choice? 407 00:21:23,214 --> 00:21:25,215 You mean, just straight off the top of my head? 408 00:21:25,216 --> 00:21:26,884 Ha, no. Don't worry about it, pumpkin. 409 00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:29,520 Peg, bake me some christmas cookies. 410 00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:30,954 Drop dead, al. 411 00:21:30,955 --> 00:21:32,188 [laughing] all right! 412 00:21:33,791 --> 00:21:36,527 Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood. 413 00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,429 You know, they raised the christmas platter 414 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:39,963 At denny's 50 cents. 415 00:21:39,964 --> 00:21:43,700 So we had to go to the spud hut for their holiday tater feast. 416 00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,070 Thanks a lot, al. 417 00:21:47,071 --> 00:21:49,639 This is the worst christmas I've ever had. 418 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,474 Yeah, me too. This reeks. 419 00:21:54,011 --> 00:21:56,513 Just a regular orange? 420 00:21:56,514 --> 00:21:58,282 [laughs] 421 00:21:58,283 --> 00:22:00,250 I've got my family back. 422 00:22:02,887 --> 00:22:04,687 Angel: Okay, heaven, I'm back. 423 00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:06,957 Open up the gates. 424 00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:09,026 What do you mean, where's my badge? 425 00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:11,261 It's in my luggage. 426 00:22:11,262 --> 00:22:13,263 They lost my luggage? 427 00:22:13,264 --> 00:22:16,666 Ow, ow. Ow! Aah! 428 00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:30,680 [♪] 429 00:22:32,183 --> 00:22:34,684 ♪ it's beginning to look a lot like christmas ♪ 430 00:22:35,653 --> 00:22:38,822 ♪ everywhere you go ♪ 431 00:22:38,823 --> 00:22:40,290 ♪ take a look in the five-and-ten ♪ 432 00:22:41,259 --> 00:22:42,325 ♪ glistenin' once again ♪ 433 00:22:43,761 --> 00:22:45,561 ♪ with candy canes and silver lanes aglow ♪ 434 00:22:47,064 --> 00:22:49,032 ♪ it's beginning to look a lot like christmas ♪ 435 00:22:49,867 --> 00:22:51,234 ♪ toys in every store ♪ 436 00:22:52,536 --> 00:22:53,937 ♪ but the prettiest sight to see ♪ 437 00:22:54,939 --> 00:22:56,039 ♪ is the holly that will be ♪ 438 00:22:56,974 --> 00:22:58,041 ♪ on your own front door ♪ 439 00:22:58,742 --> 00:22:59,742 ♪ on your own ♪ 440 00:23:00,711 --> 00:23:01,711 ♪ front ♪ 441 00:23:02,713 --> 00:23:03,980 ♪ door ♪ 442 00:23:04,849 --> 00:23:06,116 Chorus: Merry christmas!